How To Help Your Kids Understand Death

There are lots of things that you’ll have to help your kids with as they grow up. That can be anything from helping them with their homework to helping them get their first job. The one thing you may not be prepared for is explaining to them the concept of death.

Whether they lose a beloved pet or their closest family members, they will need to be guided through the process of loss and grieving. Here’s how to do it in a kind, sensitive, and helpful manner.

Prepare Children for Death Before It Happens

While it might sound grim, death is a part of life and so you should help teach your child about it. For example, if your houseplant has died, point it out to your child. Tell them what it means that the plant has died. What will happen to it next? Perhaps you’ll put it in your compost heap, and it’ll degrade and be used to help something else grow.

You may also come across the subject in other ways, such as death in a movie. This is a good time to field any questions that your child has and let them know what death is. That way, when a death in the family does happen, they’ll have a base knowledge from which to work.

Be Honest About Death

One of the most important things when talking about death is to be honest. When someone dies, it’s easy to start resorting to euphemisms. How many times have you heard the phrases ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘passed on’? We know what they mean, but for your kids, these terms can be confusing. If they’ve gone to sleep and are never coming back, does that mean the same will happen to them when they go to bed?

Always be honest about what death means. If they ask where someone has gone, you can explain their body stopped working, so they aren’t able to come back. When you’re honest, your child will be able to understand what’s happening.

Don’t Be Afraid to Cry

If your child is experiencing loss for the first time, chances are you are too. You may feel that you should be strong for your child, so they can grieve themselves. However, it’s okay to cry yourself as you’re grieving. In fact, it shows them that it’s okay to cry. Bottling up emotions about anything is always a bad idea, and this is no different. Don’t be afraid to show that you’re upset and grieving the loss of a loved one too, and that you’ll be able to go through the process together.

Be Ready for Questions

When you first tell your child that someone has died, they may have a few questions, and then go about their day. It’s easy to think that they’ve asked all the questions they have, but don’t be startled when they have more later down the line. Remember that your child is still processing what it means to lose someone. They’ve asked their questions, and may need time to process your answers, which in turn may lead to additional questions. Let your child know that they can ask you anything, and you’ll do your best to answer.

Getting Through the First Few Days

In the first few days after a loved one dies, try to stick to the child’s schedule as much as possible. Children need routine to cope with upsetting situations, and the death of someone they knew is a massive change. When you do this, you may be able to ward off behavioral changes, such as regression back to thumb sucking.

In these few days, you may find your child keeps asking when this person will come back. It’s going to be hard to hear these questions, especially when you’re grieving yourself. Your child isn’t asking anything deeper than this, what they’re doing is trying to grasp the finality of death. Be consistent in your replies, and let them know that no, that person will not be coming back.

Give Children a Choice to Attend (or not to attend) the Funeral

Funerals are a tricky situation for parents. They’ve explained what death means to their child and must now think about whether they should take the child to the funeral or not. Will it be too much for them?

The best thing to do is give your child choices and respect them. They may want to go to the funeral and say goodbye to Grandma, or they may not want to go as they find it too overwhelming. Remember, the important thing is that you respect the choice and not guilt them into one choice or the other, regardless of your desires.

Whatever they choose, prepare them for what will happen next. If it’s going to be an open casket funeral, for example, tell them how that works, and what will happen during the service. If there will be a memorial urn at the service, explain cremation to them beforehand. If they’re prepared, they’ll know what to expect.

Meet Children Where They Are

One of the most important things you need to remember is that children understand death differently, depending on their age and their developmental stage. You’ll need to be able to meet them where they are, so they can understand what’s happening.

For example, a preschool child may see death as temporary, or reversible, and may not understand what it really means. Children between five and nine may understand what death is, but don’t relate it to themselves and don’t feel as though they can die.

While it’s hard to talk about death, it’s important to help your children understand what it means. We hope this information helps you to help them understand and process their own feelings.

Further Reading:

Funeral Etiquette for Cremation Ceremonies

Common Misconceptions of Cremation

Dealing with grief on the anniversary of a death